Niles : Her lips were saying "no," but her eyes were saying, "read my lips."
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Niles : Well, as some illustrious person said, "popularity is the hallmark of mediocrity."
Frasier : You just made that up, didn't you?
Niles : Yes, but I stand by it.
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Daphne : Oh, come on now, Dr Crane. It's not like men have never used sex to get what they want.
Frasier : How can we possibly USE sex to get what we want? Sex IS what we want.
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[ Frasier tries to comfort Daphne who's unhappy with her love life ]
Frasier : I know how bleak these times can be, but believe me, they will come to an end sometime or later. I remember a time back in Boston, I was going through exactly what you're going through now. Just a week later I met a lovely barmaid, sophisticated if a bit loquacious. We fell madly in love and we got engaged... 'course, she left me standing at the altar. But the point is, I didn't give up. I took my poor battered heart and handed it to Lilith... who put it in her little Cuisinart and hit the puree button. But I rebounded! and look how far I've come. I'm divorced, lonely, and living with my father.
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Frasier : Look, frankly, I wish you'd start seeing someone about this bug phobia of yours.
Niles : It is not a phobia. I have a healthy fear of our natural predators. It's us versus them and frankly I'm starting to wonder just whose side you're on.
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Niles : He's clearly the one dealing with repressed material, not to mention the obvious Oedipal issues.
Martin : Argle, gargle, gooble, goop.
Niles : What?
Martin : Now you know how it feels. What are you talking about?
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Niles : Frasier, do you remember the time the Kreizel brothers tied me to their Great Dane and lobbed meatballs down their gravel driveway?
Frasier : I told you Niles, I would have helped you, but their sister was holding me down.
Baldrick : I've been in your service since I was two and a half, my lord.
Blackadder : Well that is the why I am so utterly sick of the sight of you.
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Baldrick : Have you got a plan, my lord?
Blackadder : Yes I have, and it's so cunning you could brush your teeth with it.
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Blackadder : Baldrick, get the door.
[ there is a crash and Baldrick enters with the door ]
Blackadder : Now, Baldrick, I advise you to make whatever explanation you are about to give exceptionally good.
Baldrick : You said get the door.
Blackadder : Not good enough, you're fired.
Baldrick : But I've been in your family since 1557.
Blackadder : So has syphilis. Now get out.
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Blackadder : If you want something done properly, kill Baldrick before you start.
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Blackadder : They do say, Mrs Miggins, that verbal insults hurt more than physical pain. They are of course wrong, as you will soon discover when I stick this toasting fork in your head.
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Blackadder : He's madder than Mad Jack McMad, the winner of last year's "Mr. Madman" competition.
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Blackadder : Baldrick, have you no idea what irony is?
Baldrick : Yes, it's like goldy and bronzy only it's made out of iron.
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Blackadder : I have come up with a plan so cunning that if it were alive, you could call it a weasel.
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Blackadder : Baldrick, does it have to be this way? Our valued friendship ending with me cutting you into long strips and telling the Prince you walked over a very sharp cattle grid in an extremely heavy hat?
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[ Referring to a suicide pill they have both been given, after being captured by French revolutionaries ]
Baldrick : I'm glad to say you won't be needing that pill, Mr. B.
Blackadder : Am I jumping the gun, Baldrick, or are the words "I have a cunning plan" marching with ill-deserved confidence in the direction of this conversation?
Baldrick : They certainly are.
Blackadder : Well, forgive me if I don't do a cartwheel of joy; your record in this department is hardly 100%. So what is it?
Baldrick : We do nothing...
Blackadder : Yup, it's another world-beater.
Baldrick : No, wait. We do nothing... until our heads have actually been cut off.
Blackadder : And then we... spring into action?
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Blackadder : Baldrick, that is by far and away, and without a shadow of doubt, the worst and most contemptible plan in the history of the universe.
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Blackadder : We are going to Mrs. Miggins' Coffee Shop, we are going to find out where Dr. Johnson keeps a copy of his dictionary, and YOU are going to steal it.
Baldrick : Me?
Blackadder : Yes, you.
Baldrick : Why me?
Blackadder : Because you burnt it, Baldrick.
Baldrick : But then I will go to Hell forever for stealing.
Blackadder : Believe me, Baldrick, eternity in the company of Beelzebub, and all his hellish instruments of death, will be a picnic compared to five minutes with me... and this pencil.
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Blackadder : Mrs. M, if we were the last three humans on earth, I would be trying to start a family with Baldrick.
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[ Blackadder is about to leave for the West Indies ]
Baldrick : I still can't believe you're leaving me behind.
Blackadder : Oh don't you worry. When we're established on our plantation in Barbados I'll send for you. No more sad little London for you Balders. From now on you will stand out in life as an individual.
Baldrick : Will I?
Blackadder : Yes. All the other slaves will be black.
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Blackadder : A man may fight for many things: his country, his principles, his friends, the glistening tear on the cheek of a golden child. But personally I'd mud-wrestle my own mother for a ton of cash, an amusing clock and a sack of French porn.
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[ Blackadder is informed that a German spy is stealing battle plans ]
General Melchett : You look surprised, Blackadder.
Captain Blackadder : I certainly am, sir. I didn't realise we had any battle plans.
General Melchett : Well, of course we have! How else do you think the battles are directed?
Captain Blackadder : Our battles are directed, sir?
General Melchett : Well, of course they are, Blackadder, directed according to the Grand Plan.
Captain Blackadder : Would that be the plan to continue with total slaughter until everyone's dead except Field Marshal Haig, Lady Haig and their tortoise, Alan?
General Melchett : Great Scott! Even you know it!
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Lieutenant George : You know, I won't half miss you chaps after the war.
Private Baldrick : Don't worry, Lieutenant; I'll come visit you.
Lieutenant George : Will you really? Oh bravo! Yes, jump into the old jalopy and come down and stay in the country, and we can relive the old times.
Captain Blackadder : What, dig a hole in the garden, fill it with water, and get your gamekeeper to shoot at us all day?
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General Melchett : Are you looking forward to the big push?
Private Baldrick : No sir, I'm absolutely terrified.
General Melchett : The healthy humor of the honest tommy. Don't worry my boy, if you should falter, remember that Captain Darling and I are behind you.
Captain Blackadder : About thirty-five miles behind you.
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Lieutenant George : Oh, sir, if we should happen to tread on a mine, what do we do?
Captain Blackadder : Well, normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump up 200 feet into the air and scatter yourself over a wide area.
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Captain Blackadder : We're in the stickiest situation since Sticky the stick insect got stuck on a sticky bun.
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Lord Flasheart : Just because I can give multiple orgasms to the furniture just by sitting, doesn't mean that I'm not sick of this damn war.
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Captain Blackadder : Flasheart, this is Captain Darling.
Lord Flasheart : Captain Darling? Funny name for a guy isn't it? Last person I called darling was pregnant twenty seconds later.
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Captain Blackadder : George, who is using the family brain cell at the moment?
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[ Baldrick enters the witness box at Blackadder's trial ]
Captain Blackadder : [ whispering ] Baldrick! Deny everything!
Captain Darling : You are Private Baldrick?
Private Baldrick : No.
Captain Darling : Are you not Captain Blackadder's batman?
Private Baldrick : No.
[ Blackadder beats his head against the desk ]
Pinky: Gee, Brain. What are we going to do tommorow?
The Brain: The same thing we do every night, Pinky. Try to take over the world.
Charles : Get me Tokyo.
Radar : On the phone?
Charles : No, open the window and yell.
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Hawkeye : What a unique device, the human tush. An architectural wonder, one of a kind... actually two of a kind. Designed to support our weight for a lifetime of sitting it also has the subtlety to do the samba. And when attached to certain members of the female species at a time when light summer dresses are worn can cause some of us to drive our cars straight up a lamppost.
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Frank Burns : Why does everyone take an instant dislike to me?
Trapper : It saves time, Frank.
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Hawkeye : I will not carry a gun, Frank. When I got thrown into this war I had a clear understanding with the Pentagon: no guns. I'll carry your books, I'll carry a torch, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over, carry forward, Cary Grant, cash and carry, carry me back to Old Virginia, I'll even 'hari-kari' if you show me how, but I will not carry a gun.
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[ Hawkeye, Trapper, Burns, and Hot Lips are meeting several Majors ]
Margaret : Major, Major Houlihan.
Major : Major Houlihan. Major Burns.
Frank Burns : Major. Major.
Hawkeye : Major Pierce. Well, I think we've made a "major" breakthrough.
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[ Klinger reads Henry a letter from his mom that says his dad's dying ]
Henry Blake : Your father's dying, right?
Corporal Klinger : Yes, sir.
Henry Blake : [ takes out a stack of papers and reads them ] Father dying last year. Mother dying last year. Mother AND father dying. Mother dying and older sister pregnant. Here's an oldie but a goodie: Half the family dying, the other half pregnant.
